You got it right, tis the season to wear white! Nothing spells summer like this light reflecting hue which absorbs less heat than other colours, making it a favourite during the sticky, sweltering hot season.

But while it is the perfect choice for the sultry weather, be warned that not everyone can look fabulous in white. Unlike dark colours that enhance your figure, whites can make your flaws stand out if worn the wrong way. Here, Ms. T recommends some trendy ways to wear white and look good.

50 shades of white 

It’s important to find out the shade that flatters your face and enhances your complexion. While you may dream of resembling Marilyn Monroe in an ivory cocktail dress with a halter bodice, the truth is, it might just be the wrong white (and the wrong cut!) for you. White has many shades, from bright white to warm white (beige). For light skin tones, opt for beige white rather than the stark, crisp white. For darker complexions, choose to wear milky-white, which doesn’t make your skin look dull.

Shirts

After picking out your white shirt, look for a fruity fun shade to complete your outfit.  Traditionally, it’s always safe to wear a white shirt with blue jeans, but for the fun-factor, we recommend printed or colourful palazzos. The white keeps it simple and summery and the colour brightens your look.

For an evening out, wear earth toned pants or neutral colours with a silk or chiffon white top. Accessorise with silver or stone jewelry and nude, beige or brown heels. For a day out with friends, wear a cotton white shirt atop vibrant coloured trousers or leggings. Try out bright floral pants if you want to bring some variation to your look.

Pants

Before we go any further, make sure your white pants are not transparent. Whether you like skinnies, straight or cropped, the fitting of the pants should flatter your body shape. There’s nothing worse than wearing white pants that are see-through, oversized or poorly stitched.

Pair your white pants with any colour you like: from nudes and pastels to bright and dark. The lighter coloured tops give a fresh and calm vibe, while the more radiant shirts make you look sexy and bold. For a night out, go for a darker coloured tunic, which gives a formal look, but still keeps the summer feel with the white pants. If you’re stepping out during the day, try wearing pastel shades.

If you’ve been indecisive about wearing white this year, it’s time to kick those fears good-bye and give white a chance. After all, it’s a must-wear colour of the season. So weather it’s a BBQ party, a baby shower or a formal dinner, it’s time to dig out those whites and beat the heat in style.

Eastern wear

No matter how old you are, when you wear a crisp white cotton kurta or an ivory chiffon outfit, you send off good vibes. White is always in fashion as far as desi clothes are concerned: from an all-white outfit to those essential white shalwars and dupattas, dressing up would be that much harder without our white eastern essentials. The one rule to remember when wearing all white is that your undergarments should be your skin colour, which will save you from embarrassment.

Try wearing chunri duppattas with a white shalwar and kameez or combine any shade of white with Sindh’s susi lined cloth. On a hot day out, wear chicken-kari kurta with cotton capris or cotton white kurta with white embroidery on it. A pair of fancy khussas is a fashion forward way of adding colour to your white ensemble. For formal wear, go for white chiffons and silks embellished with sequins or kamdani.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, July 28^th, 2013.

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Bullying is defined as repeated verbal, physical, social or psychologically aggressive behaviour by a person directed towards a less powerful person intended to cause harm or spread fear.

“I used to be overweight back in school and was almost always being made fun of by my class fellows,” says Sawera Shamshad, visiting faculty at University of Karachi and Iqra University. “My initial response was withdrawing into a shell, like most kids do. I hardly ever spoke or made friends with anyone. I became the quiet fat kid who would simply not respond to anything at all.” Being a teacher, Shamshad can spot similar cases in Pakistan. “I promptly check and chastise the misdoings of the bullies, making sure to give them a good piece of my mind,” she says.

For decades, bullying has been attributed with low self-esteem and depression. In adulthood, victims often experience mental health issues, anxiety and panic attacks. While the seriousness of the problem grows, the question remains: Can there be an end to bullying?

Is bullying avoidable?

“Bullying can never stop because it is ‘fun’ for bullies,” explains Saman Hayat, a student at Beaconhouse School System. “It’s not easy to solve these issues because most of them are not even reported to the teachers, and the students who bully, threaten to take revenge. But we can try by showing them the after effects of bullying, like the damage done to a child’s personality after being bullied.”

Nadia Attia, mother of three, points out that parents need to take more responsibility. “We need to teach children how to deal with mean people and how to help people that are being bullied from a young age,” says Attia. “It starts with simple conversations about feelings and then could go into role playing situations.” Shamshad agrees, saying that, “The role of the parents is giving their children utmost confidence in themselves because that is all it takes to stand up for oneself.”

“Bullying is about power and control. It is a form of abuse,” says psychotherapist Anees Fatima Hakim of Therapy Works. “There needs to be zero tolerance for bullying and firm boundaries need to be enforced.” Hakim also explains how bullying may become a cycle. “An older child will bully a younger one, then that child, to protect their self esteem, may go and bully someone even younger and weaker. Alternatively, some people turn their anger and rage inwards and harm themselves by drug abuse, binge eating or even suicide.”

While she confirms that bullies and victims can both be helped, Hakim also reiterates that neither punishment nor empathy works. “The bully’s behaviour is to keep people away from their own vulnerable selves,” says Hakim. “A bully will only allow people to get close to them if they feel safe. Then their socially unacceptable attributes can be channelized into strengths. For example, dominating behaviour can be turned into leadership qualities.” As an experienced psychotherapist, Hakim believes that a caring and safe environment can also repair childhood damage without ever having to seek professional help. “In therapy, trauma is processed by externalizing feelings and working through disturbances instead of suppressing what is painful,” she explains. “This can be done through talk therapy but also through expressive arts, in which feelings that may be hard to express verbally are expressed by slapping paint onto paper or using puppets to demonstrate anger.”

What is bullyproof?

Bullyproof is a highly regarded program in which students are taught social and emotional skills on how to deal with bullies, without becoming victims. While Pakistan is not far behind in adapting similar programs, in the West, Bullyproofing has become a part of school curricula. There are books, videos and websites available, which help parents and teachers tackle difficult situations and create a culture of kindness and unity.

“Many schools are now implementing programs that teach children how to tackle bullying,” says Rabia Pir Mohammed, a teacher in Karachi. “We take action, first by taking certain privileges away temporarily; but if bullying still continues, we call parents and take action accordingly. It starts at a very young age, children make groups and outcast certain classmates. They don’t play with them or invite them to parties, but this is where parents need to step in and ask why their child does not like the other?”

As teachers, Mohammed says they are trained to be observant and vigilant but what mothers don’t realise is that when they talk to their friends, their six-year-old child is sitting and listening to them. While schools can enforce similar programs to bullyproof their students, if parents don’t see the problem, children will not learn.

Take action

Early-age discipline at home is the best way to stop bullying. While parents and their children are encouraged to have open communication, there is no shield that will protect children from becoming victims of bullying at school. What we can teach children is to counteract the situation in the following ways:

1. Have regular conversations about school, friends and what worries your child.

2. Go to parent-teacher conferences regularly and ask for your child’s behaviour report.

3. Invite their friends and include yourself in their games.

4. Role-play with your child and their friends. Give them scenarios and ask how they would act.

5. Encourage your child to participate in extra-curricular activities.

6. Build confidence and teach them kindness and generosity to everyone.

7.  Practice what you preach; if you’re not kind or honest, your child will also follow your footsteps.

Detect bullying

You can spot if your child is being bullied by the following:

- Demotivated to go to school

- Drastic change in sleeping or eating habits

- Frequent mood swings and anxiety

- Unexplained pain, bruises or cuts

- Missing or lost school items or money

- Hungry after returning from school

-  Unwilling to discuss school stories

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, August 9^th, 2013.

Like MsT on Facebook, follow @TribmagMsT on Twitter for your dose of girl talk.

You and your husband may be overjoyed after finding out that you are expecting. Your boss?  Slighlty less so. Sharing news of your pregnancy can open the floodgates of workplace discrimination from management and co-workers. From hostile looks and unfair treatment to a simple lack of support, employers often penalise female workers for their pregnancy. If you are lucky, your boss will be empathetic to your situation, offering you flexibility as long as you’re able to perform your duties adequately.

At the other end of the spectrum are supervisors who will become increasingly rigid as your pregnancy progresses, leaving you with just two options: an unpaid leave of absence or forced resignation. At work, you may have to hear how your productivity has dropped or that you need to become more efficient. In some instances, women are told that the entire department is suffering because of them!

Do work and pregnancy go together?

Dr Aisha Jabeen of Medicell strongly feels that women should continue working throughout the pregnancy. “Being active is good for the health of both the mother and the baby in her womb. After the first trimester is over, women become more comfortable with the physical changes they are undergoing and morning sickness, mental fuzziness and lethargy also subside.”

While employers certainly need to understand that the first trimester is the hardest period of the pregnancy, particularly for first-time mothers, you should also ensure that your condition does not prevent you from carrying out key responsibilities. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done: morning sickness may make you late for work every morning and fatigue may put a serious dent in your workplace productivity. The physical and hormonal changes of pregnancy are often accompanied by emotional instability. At such a time, the last thing you want to hear is a goodbye from your boss. While some women can afford the luxury of resigning, for most a joint income is necessary and being forced to resign only adds to the pressure, often causing severe depression and stress.

What should you do?

Do your homework

Refer to your employee handbook or HR department to inquire about maternity leave policies. Ask other women in the company who have taken similar leave packages.

If your company offers maternity leave, make sure you understand whether the leave is paid, unpaid or partially paid and what other benefits the policy offers. Look into your medical insurance policy, and find out what is covered for your pregnancy and when you are on extended leave.

Speak to your boss

It’s important that you tell your employer before you tell anyone else at the workplace. Prepare yourself to discuss your pregnancy, job requirements and maternity leave with the senior management. Remember, the company’s position and operations are top priority to them and so, they will need to know how you plan on fulfilling your responsibilities.

Explore your options

First decide if and how you want to work throughout your pregnancy and after delivery. Ask yourself whether you think you will be able to work through most of it? Do you want to start your maternity leave early? Are you interested in working part-time or from home? If you are certain that you can work while you are pregnant, then stay focused and tell your boss.

Work with flexibility

Your management is concerned about their company’s output and how your working capabilities will affect it. Realise that you will be physically impossible for you to work at the same level as before you conceived. Your manager has the right to know if you are unable to fulfill your current job requirements. If you find your present job is too strenuous, request for a temporary transfer to a less stressful job or ask for a part-time position. Try working from home or request flexible hours, especially in the first trimester.

Choose your leave package

While you decide the duration of your time off, your management will also determine how much time they can afford to be without you and what your value to the firm is. Be realistic about your leave, and remember even though companies generally want to be known as ‘family-friendly’ in their maternity leave policies, not every pregnant employee is granted what she needs.

If you feel you are being treated unfairly, speak to a colleague you can trust as discussing feelings openly can help clear many misunderstandings and give you a change of perspective. If the colleague agrees, then refer to your contract and speak to your firm’s HR personnel. There are different ways of handling work issues, such as filing a discrimination complaint. However you proceed, make sure you maintain a record of everything, from the ill-treatment and what you did in retaliation to possible solutions to the problem. Keep the management informed at all times so have evidence of what you went through and most importantly, don’t be afraid to stand your ground and speak your mind. Remember it is the HR personnels job to care for the employees and that includes you!

Dr Ghulfam Khan was in her first year of residency when she got pregnant. “I had severe morning sickness and felt tired all the time,” she says. “My supervisor told me to resign and come back after my delivery.”

Dr Khan is hardly the first working woman to face such discrimination; Laila Durrani suffered professional setbacks during each of her three pregnancies. After the first pregnancy, her job position was eliminated, after the second it was given to another manager and after the third pregnancy, Laila was stripped of basic employee rights like switching one’s schedule around — all aimed at forcing her to leave. Laila continued working under these unfavorable circumstances until a better job came around.

Stay productive at work

Cut back on other physical activities.

Keep healthy snacks like nuts and granola bars with you at work.

Control your nausea and vomiting by avoiding fatty, sugary foods.

Take short breaks frequently to recharge.

Hire help for house chores.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, September 1^st, 2013.

Time to push aside your child’s back-to-school blues with some creative and easy family activities to do this autumn season! While the fall season is rarely seen in Karachi, it is one of the most colourful seasons to look forward to in the Northern parts of Pakistan, such as Islamabad and beyond. But who says that Karachiites can’t make the best of what they get? Whichever city you live in, make this fall fun for your children and yourself with Ms.T’s list of seven cool crafts.

Seasons greetings

One of the simplest activities you can do with your little angels is potato stamping. All you need is a few potatoes, a couple of shades of paint and a poster board. Ask your children to make fall greeting cards for their family and friends. To make the cards, cut out poster boards in desired sizes and then split the potatoes in half. Once this is done, carve designs on the insides of the potatoes (you can make flowers, faces or patterns). Have your children dip the potatoes in colour and stamp them on the card. Since the theme is autumn, choose colours like rust, orange, black, brown and yellow.

Autumn Art

Ask your children to gather different types of colourful leaves to see how the seasons change. Once the leaves have been collected, give them a sheet of orange, red or yellow construction paper and have them make a leaf collage for you. Put the dried leaves to good use and allow your child’s creativity to flow for a beautiful piece of art work which can go on your refrigerator door until the next season starts!

Plan your planting

In Autumn, the trees are changing colour and shedding leaves and it is the perfect time for you to plant seeds for an early bloom in spring. Choose an area in your garden that receives maximum sunlight and get your children to plant new trees and flowers there. They will not only love the digging, shovelling and watering the plants, but waiting until spring to see it sprout will also instill a sense of patience in them.

Funky owls

Children will love these little guys hanging in their rooms. All you need is empty toilet paper rolls, colourful construction paper, some glue, scissors and fishing wire. First cover each roll with construction paper completely and choose one side for the ‘head’ of the owl, pressing an inwards edge there with your thumb. Then press down the parallel edge to match the other and make it stick using glue. You will now see a curve. For the wings, cut a circle out of the remaining construction paper and then cut the circles in half. Two circles as eyes and a triangle for the nose work best. Allow your children to decorate their owls however they want and use a fishing wire to hang them from the ceilings or windowsills.

Family tree

Creating a family tree is perhaps the best way to use fallen leaves, and what’s more, you can get the grandparents involved too! Invest in a big, white poster board and some brown and green foam sheets, a stapler and black marker. Have the youngsters cut out leaves from the green foam sheet, big enough to be written on. The brown sheet can be used to make a trunk and branches. Give the kids the task of finding out who was born when from their grandparents and then help them staple their leaves. Alternatively, they can paste real dried leaves onto the white poster and stick pictures of family members on them. Either way, this activity is sure to keep your little ones occupied for a long time.

Catch the sun

In other parts of the world, the month of October is closely related to big, orange pumpkins and Halloween but it is rare to find the same spirit here in Pakistan. No worries, though, with this fun pumpkin sun-catcher, you don’t have to do too much to bring the magic of fall into your homes. Invest in a black foam sheet, orange crepe paper and a sheet of contact paper. Cut the thin outline of a pumpkin and set it aside. Then take the contact paper and place it downward facing (be careful it’s super sticky). Tear small pieces of the orange crepe paper and stick it onto the contact until it is fully covered. Add another layer of contact paper with the sticky side down this time and tape the black pumpkin outline onto it. After you trim the edges, you will have a good-looking pumpkin sun-catcher ready. Place it on your child’s window or take it along when heading out with your little one.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, September 22^nd, 2013.

“I’m eternally scared. I can’t sleep,” says Shakila (name changed), a resident of Shah Faisal Colony in Karachi, who lost her husband in a random shooting near her home.  “Women complain about stress, anxiety and fatigue when they come in,” says Dr Salman Kazim, medical director of Karwan-e-Hayat, a non-governmental welfare organisation. “As much as 80 percent of the time these women are suffering from a combination of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and clinical depression.”

PTSD is a severe condition that may develop after a person is exposed to traumatic events, such as sexual assault, serious injury or the threat of death, while clinical depression is a constant sense of hopelessness and despair.

“Given the cultural background, the reaction of women in conflict zones in particular is to disassociate themselves,” said Dr Kazim, adding that disassociation is a psychological defence mechanism that allows them to cope by involving themselves in house chores or getting busy elsewhere.

“People in conflict zones get desensitised to the atrocities that happen around them,” says Anees Hakim of Therapy Works. “Traumatic memories can manifest as flashbacks, panic attacks and somatic symptoms.”

“When a woman who is the central figure in a household is mentally unwell, the biggest impact is on her children. Often, their nutrition, health, hygiene and education are neglected, which can also lead to depression and anxiety symptoms in the children as well,” says Dr Uzma Ambreen, psychiatrist at Pakistan Association of Mental Health (PAMH).

How to heal

While Dr Kazim assures that depression and some patients of PTSD can be treated with medication and counseling, not everyone is willing to get treated. Karachi Mental Health Report (KMHR) 2012 states that while between 60 to 80% of mental disorders are effectively treated, only 25 per cent of all the patients seek treatment, and even less than that are women. Dr Kazim says that sometimes the solution is to change the patient’s environment.

“PTSD patients can be successfully treated depending on their personality skills, but a rule of one-third applies,” says Dr Kazim. “One-third of PTSD patients get better, one-third stay the same and one-third get worse.” The patients that get worse are generally those that have been sexually assaulted, gang-raped or have been victims of war.

Since most women are unable to understand and accept their mental health disorder, it is usually close family members who seek help for them. “Almost all the patients that come don’t know that they have a mental disorder,” says Alizeh Valjee, manager of the rehabilitation department at Karwan-e-Hayat. “They are reluctant to get any kind of treatment.”

Accessibility, cost, awareness and social stigmas are some of the reasons why patients of mental disorders are not being managed properly. It is not only the mental health of women that is being affected, but the generations that will follow will also be damaged. “A rapid resolution of political conflicts is necessary,” says Dr Ambareen.

According to Karwan-e-Hayat, an estimated 15 million people suffer from some form of mental illness in Pakistan, out of which two million are in Karachi alone.

October 13, 2013 is World Mental Health Day.

The Sindh Mental Health Ordinance, 2013, was signed by the governor earlier this year. All the amendments suggested by PAMH were included.

Sindh is the only province which has a law governing mental health issues.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 10^th, 2013.

Deciding to get back to work after giving birth to a baby is probably the toughest choice that any mother can make. While some can afford to quit their jobs and become stay-at-home moms, other women don’t have that luxury.

Whether a woman is career-oriented or experiencing financial stress, resuming work after a maternity leave can be overwhelming. Hence, it is imperative that a woman is fully recovered — both physically and emotionally, during her leave.

Back to work

While doctors have mixed opinions regarding the right time for a woman to leave her baby and resume work, the fact is that most companies offer only three months as maternity leave. However, since a large number of women are now in the workforce, the upside is that a large number of companies are now building in-house daycare centres in order to keep their employees happy.

“Ideally, a woman should get back to work after the baby is six months old,” says Dr Ayesha Jabeen of Medicell. “During that time the baby is being breastfed, trained and begins weaning.” She also feels that it is necessary for a mother and child to be with each other during the early formative months.

However, Dr Zaryab Setna of Lady Dufferin Hospital feels that the mother should go back whenever she feels comfortable to leave her baby with someone else. “After the first few months, it is important for the mother and the baby to have a routine,” says Dr Setna. “There is no scientific evidence that suggests any harm to the baby when a mother leaves her child to go back to work after three months.”

Keeping tabs

If your company doesn’t have its own daycare centre and you don’t have family members to babysit, chances are that you will have to leave your baby with a nanny. The worst thing that you end up doing during your work hours is to call home every hour to check up on your baby. This only results in animosity and frustration. While it’s good to make it clear that the caregiver should call you in emergency situations, it is also important to trust them with their job. For feedback, try to set up a time with the nanny to review the day’s events. Since her job is to take care of the baby, ask her to keep a count on the number of dirty diapers, feedings and naps. “Moms can check up on their babies during lunch breaks,” says Dr Setna. “There are lots of ways to keep in contact with the nanny and the baby even while a mother is at work.”

Smash your stress

After restarting your professional life, feelings of joy mixed with doubt and sadness can get jumbled up, resulting in separation anxiety. This happens when most mothers feel guilty for leaving their bundle of joy at home with a nanny. Consequently, some times work-related stress increases, lack of focus starts to hinder work and poor productivity becomes evident.

“I couldn’t concentrate on anything when I returned from my leave,” says Alizay Khan, a mother of two. “It took me a whole month to get back into routine. During that time, I  began to value my family more than ever before. The time I spent with my daughter recharged me and enabled me to do better in all areas of life. My family is my biggest strength.”

The best way to overcome anxiety is to be confident about your decision. While you may be worrying at work, the good news is that your baby has no idea about your separation blues. Give yourself time to adjust to your work routine and stabilise your inner-self. Remember, as long as your baby is in loving and responsible hands, he/she will be fine.

Connecting with your baby

It’s crucial that you leave your work worries in the office before you go home. Now that you are a full-time employee and a mother, you must realise that your baby craves your full attention when you get home. “A mother needs to spend quality time with her baby after work,” says Dr Jabeen.

Additionally, if your better-half lends you a helping hand, it makes things easier. Khan feels that she has managed her family and career well with the help of her husband. “I am very fortunate. My husband has always supported me in my professional life,” she says. “We work as a team to raise our children and nurture them.”

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, November 17^th, 2013.